I feel like I should be submitting this to a Dear Abbey type column (or better yet, the ever-awesome Captain Awkward), but as I don't want to wait for a response, I'm going to throw it open here instead.
So I have a slightly awkward social dilemma.
Situation:
1. An event is coming up of a birthday / anniversary type for a person to whom we are close.
2. The person for whom this event is significant has asked that people come to a particular restaurant for a lunch.
3. The particular restaurant is 1.5 hrs from where I live.
4. It is a set price lunch menu.
5. Our whole family is not just invited but expected to be there.
6. The cost for the meal will be slightly more than double what we usually budget for a family meal out.
7. Before I knew the parameters of the function, I had already indicated that the date was free for us, so conflicting timetable is unlikely to fly.
8. The organiser of the event (not the celebratee) is sympathetic to the cost and travel time concerns I have, and would be cool with a decline. The celebratee, however, notsomuch.
I'm not sure what to do. I don't want ongoing awkwardness or resentment over this - either from the celebratee if we don't go, or from us if we do - and I don't know what's a tactful way to say, if we do go, that the celebratee won't also be getting a present from us because hello! budget!
The person in question does not have any dependents to pay for, so I understand that their calculus of cost is different to mine. However, they are also the sort of person who will point out other expenditures that my family has made (ie hubs' and my night at a B&B recently for our 15th wedding anniversary, or our family trip to Sovereign Hill coming up) as evidence for the fact that we *could* afford to do this, if we wanted to. That's completely true, of course, we could afford it if we didn't do something else or had a lean week; we are not really financially challenged, although we do need to live on a budget, even if it's a generous one by many measures.
So the bottom line is - I don't want to go. I don't want the 3hrs travel time, to make the kids behave at an adult-oriented venue, or the cost, which I wasn't expecting nor budgeted for.
But I don't want to upset or alienate the celebratee either.
What to do? How to decline without offence?
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Have a word with the celebratee. Be honest. Say it's out of your budget. Perhaps you could invite them to dinner/ lunch at your place at a later date?
ReplyDeleteOr fake a migraine on the day.
Yes, I would like to invite them over and will do so for sure.
DeleteHonestly I think that the person in question should understand your reasoning here. I doubt that I would travel that far under all these circumstances.
ReplyDeleteI am actually thinking I might invoke the travel-time and tired-children card rather than the cost one. I get the feeling it will be better understood and cause less angst.
DeleteI'd not go, and I'd try in the nicest possible way to explain why - otherwise it's likely to happen again.
ReplyDeleteBut another thought: is the set menu gluten-free?
I already thought of that, but unfortunately (I can't believe I'm even writing that!!) yes it is very gluten free friendly. It was one of the reasons the venue was chosen as there are 2 Coeliacs and 2 wheat-intolerants on the guest list.
DeleteThe only way out is be honest, it is hard (been there myself) would it be possible for you to not take the kids ? Or if there is no way out to keep the peace leave the gift out of the question, it is either the gift or the pleasure of your families company.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to make everyone happy and not everyone understands the word "budget" good luck and I hope that it all works out for you
I thought of just going myself and leaving kids and hubs at home, but to be very honest here, I am not confident about my ability to navigate the journey well (it is in a very picturesque but windy / mountainous / difficult terrain and I find such driving incredibly stress-making).
DeleteI'm with the above; be honest and someone you love and loves you will understand. If they do have a problem with it and take offence, well hopefully they will eventually get over it, especially with an invite to yours or a place local to you, for a personal lunch that suits your pocket better.
ReplyDeleteAgree with you in that it's a delicate situation. I have put a friend of mine who is rather sensitive and would take offence in my refusal to go to her 'do' in mind when considering replying to you here.
I think lying (kid's sick, you sick, etc etc) if the truth comes out, will be more offensive to the celebrating friend than the truth.
I think this is how it has to go down. I am tending towards placing the stress on the long travel time and kids' ability to cope with the venue (both genuine concerns, no lies there!) rather than the cost though - I know this person to be generally sympathetic to these concerns whereas not so much with cost, as they see monetary decisions as giving them a lower "value" than other things in my life.
DeleteThis is such a hard one.
ReplyDeletePlacing a monetary value on things can make someone feel very unloved - especially when you are not financially challenged and they know that. The long travel with kids has to be the way to go to get out of it.
I have to admit, I am pathetic and probably would end up going. It would be an inconvenience but I'd forget about it after a while.
How important is the person really?
Becc @ Take Charge Now
Very important!
DeleteAnd yes I am of the same mind - I think the long travel with kids is the (true) argument that will be the kindest way to decline without giving offence or making the person feel unloved. In fact after all the good advice here, it's helped me clarify that this is what I will do.
Fr me it would depend on how close I was to the person. I it was a family member, or someone that I was very close to and saw on a regular basis then I would leave Dave and Mia at home and just go myself to save on cost and the kid-behaviour factor. The travel time for me is less of an issue as I've spent half my life living far away from places so 1.5 hours isn't such a big deal, unless its not someone that I'm that close to, then I would hesitate spending all at time in the car. In the end, if they are good friends or family, and a big deal birthday/anniversary that is not likely to happen again for a long time, I would make the effort, but if they weren't that close and made a habit of this sort of thing I'd say no and just say we don't have the money at the moment.
ReplyDeleteIt's a tricky one - but if they are good enough friends do you think they will understand your circumstances?! Maybe say to them that it's not doable in your budget but can you get together another time, somewhere else to celebrate personally then?! Keep us posted on what you decided. Emily
ReplyDeleteLeave the hubs at home with the kids, and go yourself. Say that your children are unwell. Or, you stay home and send the hubs. Or, be honest at say you don't want to dissapoint but the cost is out of your budget. Or, just bite the bullet and go.
ReplyDeletexx
I agree with Mrs BC - leave hubby at home with the 'sick' kids.. but still go yourself!! I have friends like that - we were suppose to go to Comicon with them for $20 entry.. but its not just the $20 entry each.. its parking all day, and photos with famous people started at $80! which is the only reason you go!! To meet the Comicon people!!! ANyway later that day we ended up scoring free tickets to Guns and Roses.. and they weren't impressed that we went out that evening... even though I had stated that it was free for us! :( Some people don't understand budgets.
ReplyDeletexx #teamIBOT