Monday, June 15, 2015

This and that

So on day 15, I've hit a day with nothing in particular to say in this Post-A-Day Month. This always happens, usually around the middle.

Maybe a bit of a ramble ...

  • I'm tired, really tired. I haven't been sleeping well (last night I was awake from 1am til nearly 5am with gut pain) and I have weird abdominal symptoms that keep coming and going. Colonoscopy on Thursday yaaaaaaaay (but it will be good to get it done, and my mind relieved) and I see the gynae next Friday, to look at the other potential culprit area. I have a sense that reasons might prove elusive, but ruling out nasties is a benefit in and of itself. My anxiety goes up and down in rhythm with my symptoms, but hey, it is what it is - I will ever be thus, all I can do is ride it as gently as I can.
  • It's only 6 working days (10 actual days) now til I finish up in my job, and I am feeling the range of emotions I expected to feel, and a few I didn't. I feel some sadness for the really lovely people I'm saying goodbye to (expected), a sense of responsibility for work unfinished (expected), and occasional twinges of concern about what the future will bring financially (very much expected). I also feel relieved, to a much more profound level than I had expected, and hopeful / positive about what I will be freed up to do. Just today, for the first time, I sat in a meeting and realised that the problems it was grappling with are genuinely now none of my concern. That felt wonderful.
  • We've been dealing with a bit of fractiousness in the house - I'm not the only one who's tired, the term has taken a lot out of the kids and my husband has been working very hard. Everyone is a bit shorter-fused and shoutier than the ideal, and standing in the middle of sibling conflicts is getting a bit wearing. I'm hopeful that school holidays, and my changed availability even in term 3, is going to help somewhat with this.
  • Some things have been really good lately. My novel itself is going slowly (although it is still going!) but I have been so enjoying my novel class. The last couple of classes in particular have been so useful and interesting, and what's best, the group is coming together now as a supportive critiquing group, which is going to be invaluable to us all.
  • Similarly, the poetry has been flowing; the cork that was sealing my creativity away seems to have been popped, and although I don't have enough time or energy to do as much as I'd like, I'm not blocked anymore, not lacking in ideas or will. This is a welcome gear shift after what has been quite an arid few months in writing terms.
  • I got new blinds! My very manky old bedroom curtains, the greasy and dusty light-trapping 80s blind in the kitchen, and the pretty but non-functional curtains in the shared kids' room have all been replaced with cream vertical blinds, matching the ones I had put into the lounge, dining and door panel windows about 3 years ago. It's so nice to have something fresh and new in the house; makes everything feel a bit cheerier.

  • The world outside continues to appall and shame me; the things my government does in my name, especially vis asylum seekers, grow more horrific and outrageous day by day. One of the things I need to do when I am finished at work is look into what I can do to replace the financial contributions to refugee charities that we currently make (these will need to be scaled back in the short term, to ensure bills can be paid, until my business gets going). Maybe I can give with my labour or my skills instead? I hope so.
There is lots more, and at the same time, not much more I could say. My friends are lovely, my family are loved, my body is peculiar, my brain is a law unto itself. I will sail this ship through winter as well as I can, and hope to beach on the shores of spring renewed, or at least renewing.

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